December 11, 2013.
I laid in bed and cried knowing what was happening to me...to our baby. Everything around me seemed to fade. I felt helpless. All I wanted was to stop what was happening and yet I had no control over it. Thoughts flooded my head, "What did I do wrong? Why me? Will this happen more than once?" I may never know the answers to those questions, and that's ok. I also think it's natural for those thoughts to run through your head.
I've come to notice a few things since I've had my miscarriage. One thing is that people are afraid or feel uncomfortable talking about miscarriages, either their own or others. I'm not afraid, ashamed, or embarrassed to talk about my miscarriage. (I understand that some people choose to keep their miscarriages a secret, and that is ok also!) I don't believe that I did anything wrong to cause my miscarriage. I believe that these things just happen and it's usually our body's way and God's way of letting go of a baby that wasn't developing properly for some reason. Miscarriages are way more common than most people think…1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. This doesn't make it any less sad when they happen… it's truly heart wrenching and only those who have experienced it can truly understand what it feels like to lose their baby that they never got to hold. I strongly believe that if you've had a miscarriage it does not mean you didn't deserve your baby, it doesn't mean you would have been a bad mom, it doesn't mean you are being punished for something. I can't tell you why you or I had to have a miscarriage but I can tell you that God loves you AND your baby! God is holding your baby (and mine) in his perfect arms :) Yes I'm sad, very sad that I lost my baby but I'm still OK and I'm going to keep praising my amazing God. I'm OK because of my faith in God and trusting that He is in control and has a plan far better than any plan I could come up with for myself because I don't know all… but thankfully He does!
In the midst of my heartbreak and loss I have learned (still learning) and experienced several things:
While I'm still very sad that I have miscarried our baby, I find comfort in believing that our baby is now in God's hands…really there is no sweeter place for it to be!
I have experienced God's enormous amount of peace and comfort and have truly felt His presence.
I felt the love and prayers from sweet family and friends.
I believe that everything happens for a reason…even if I don't know the reason….God does and that's what matters.
I've
I've realized that worrying never helps, instead it allows satan in and it symbolizes a lack of trust in God.
I've felt God's overwhelming amount of love envelope me.
I praise God for blessing me with a loving and supportive husband, family, and friends.
We have a God of love and mercy and grace…really we truly do!
It's not that I never knew these things before…but they have definitely been made so much more clear to me through this loss.
I've chosen to stand firm and praise God through this storm. I refuse to let it blow me away. After all…when all else fades…God's love is everlasting and HIS light will shine through!!!
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30:11, 12
Take a few minutes to listen to/watch these videos below. I find myself listening to these often :)
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
From the Inside Out by Hillsong United
Your Hands by JJ Heller
Michael and Maria by Steven Curtis Chapman
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